Another stumbling block is that our society doesn’t model what it looks like to take care of ourselves from the inside out, therefore most of us find it hard to even justify applying self-care to our daily lives. Everything and everybody else’s needs seem to take precedence over what we need to sustain ourselves and thrive but the fear of being seen as selfish holds us back.

Unfortunately, we are the ones who suffer when we reach the end of our rope and have mini tantrums of our own. I haven’t met a parent yet who hasn’t said they hear things coming out of their mouths that they swore they’d never say to their children. Then we feel bad for acting immature-- and frustrated that effective parenting doesn’t seem to work when we loose our temper.

The good news is that knowing how to use our minds to feel good even when we are stressed, leads to joyous and effective parenting. The bad news is that it is up to us to make that happen. If we wait too long for it to happen from the outside in, parenting will be a lot harder. So how are we supposed to put ourselves first when we have small children and no time to sleep or eat properly much less fulfill our own needs?

The first step is to carve out small amounts of time between the never-ending tasks of parenting just to sit and contemplate what it is that brings you joy. If you don’t have an answer, try to remember when you were about ten. What did you love doing then? Just ten minutes a day of self-reflection can re-wire your brain from fight, flight, or freeze reactions to higher levels of thinking that lead to a sense of well-being. Sometimes your joy will include your children but whatever it is, put it
in the calendar and guard it with your life. Learning how to focus on what you are feeling and what actually triggers an automatic reaction will lead to the ability to choose a more effective response.

Noticing when you start to feel anxious or angry and then asking yourself what you need is a good way of bringing the focus back to you. Modeling self-care and emotional maturity is the ultimate gift you can give to your children.